Since I cannot find the words……

The last few weeks has been exceptionally hard. Words fail me at the moment, and I appreciate you wanting to be there for me, but I have no idea what it is I need. I am not avoiding the world, but the world is a little bit of a difficult place to be in right now.

Everywhere I go I am reminded of the memories that I will never make. Grieving the loss of what you had is not the same as grieving the thing that you will never have. I have no capacity, right now I just can’t deal with being made to feel guilty because I am guarded with my feelings and my heart. I am trying the very best I can to just show up for myself and not have to explain everyday how broken I feel.

Life around me goes on, irrespective of my brokenness, so every day I pick myself up and I dust myself off the best I know how. Infertility has robbed of so many things and each month when I bleed buckets and buckets, I am reminded of the life I will never have and the love I will never get to experience.

So, if I am not the same person I was, I am sorry, but a piece of me has died and I am mourning that part of me. I am still here, but for now I am a shell of the person I used to be. I am trying hard to navigate my way back to me or a different version of me. I have faith, I have hope and believe but it’s just buried so deep under all these emotions.

At the moment I AM JUST FOCUSING ON SURVIVING. No one has taught me to deal with Infertility, so I am processing the best I know how with the information that I have. For now, there are no doctor’s appointments, there are no next steps, there is no nothing, there is only me trying to put myself back together piece by piece. I know the next sentence will be “God knows best”, I do firmly believe this, I left my silent tears there a long time ago.

I pray that God grants me the ability to accept what is happening and for me to find a different purpose in this life. There is a blessing and lesson in this hardship, I know I will find out soon enough.

Be kind to yourself, be gentle.

Written by Rezhana B

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